While enjoying flaming skewers at Trader Vic's in the Beverly Hilton, a good friend and I thought back to all the times we got foot in mouth disease. Our waiter, "Wing" must've thought two crazy people were in his bar. Perhaps that's why the food and drinks came so fast.

Before continuing, I have to give kudos to the amazing Mai Tais - after all, they invented it. And when I wrote "flaming skewers," I mean the skewers were literally on fire. The seafood fried rice is also highly recommended. The dining experience poolside would have been more interesting if there were starlets frolicking in the pool. Thank goodness the distractions were not there.

Back to point. I captured some of the funny phrases both heard and said. There's nothing funnier than the truth.

"It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat"
While in a meeting, a former co-worker asked me if her dress made her look fat. At 7AM and barely out of bed, the brain was not yet at 100%.

"It's not fat, I'm big boned. Well I've never seen a fat skeleton"
This is from South Park, a TV show I watch.

"Did you hurt anyone when you fell?"
At Taco Time, when a fellow employee fell, these are my first words to the portly woman. It took a few guys to get her huge fingers off my throat.

"Oh sister, you're just desperate and insecure"
I overheard a guy telling a girl this when she admitted that she wanted to date this guy who just isn't good for her.

"I hate it when a women tries to take charge"
If a guy complains that the woman is trying to take charge, then he should do a better job staying on top of everything in the first place.

"You want me to wear a medium? What, you like the sausage look or something?"
While volunteering, a friend's wife gave me a medium sized T-shirt to wear. My response caused shock and awe to the group around us.

"Good Lord! No - BAD ROAD!"
While driving down a dirt road pitted with potholes, the passenger of the car gasped, "Good Lord" when a bone jarring bump surprised her. The bilingual mother sitting in the front seat misheard the comment as "good road," to which she obviously disagreed with.


You have some good ones? Let me know!!